Sardonic Partner Pillows

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

Monkeypox and War

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

'Oh, we're just watching a soap opera, I mean waiting for a call.'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

"Forget prostrate trouble...I may not make it through my wife's menopause!"

Woman shooting at husband: "I missed you."

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'

"Freakin' Ides of March 2022!"