Sardonic Soulmate Pillows

Woman shooting at husband: "I missed you."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Man falls off perch

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Hearse on an emergency

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Look Marj, decalf."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'