Sardonic Spouse Pillows

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

Special Place in Hell...

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'You're obese.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'As long as they're being fished to extinction, we might as well be the ones to do it.'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."