Sardonic Spouses Pillows

"Forget prostrate trouble...I may not make it through my wife's menopause!"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

'Oh, we're just watching a soap opera, I mean waiting for a call.'

Monkeypox and War

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

Woman shooting at husband: "I missed you."

Our Lady of Perpetual Kvetching

"Freakin' Ides of March 2022!"

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'

Next hero

"I was almost like Robin Hood. I took from the rich, but then I kept it."

"Gin? Oh God, I hate gin."