Sardonic Sensibilities Pillows

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Special Place in Hell...

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

Hearse on an emergency

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Oh sod it I'll walk."

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

"Free Wi-Fi"

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

It's an Impeachment Inquiry

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'