Sardonic Foodie Pillows

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'