Sardonic Scholar Pillows

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Targets

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

The Devil's Advocat

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

Self-serve island

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"