Sardonic Scholar Gifts

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Targets

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

The Devil's Advocat

Self-serve island

Careful - the coffee's room temperature.

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"