Scholarly Sardonic Gifts

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'