Sardonic Commentator Gifts

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'My life is a joke.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.