Sardonic Humor Gifts

'Who had the shrimp cocktail and who had the regular?'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

Good news - we've found your car.

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'