Sardonic Humor Lover Gifts

'That sort of thing just makes me procrastinate.'

"Well, we don't do any vaccinating on our place and none of the survivors ever get sick."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"Gin? Oh God, I hate gin."

"Freakin' Ides of March 2022!"

'We're telling people you have a scheduling conflict.'

'Oh, we're just watching a soap opera, I mean waiting for a call.'

'We're really missing the action these days. Crime is up 15.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Should I put genuinely undecided or damned if I'm telling you undecided."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Man falls off perch

Monkeypox and War

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'My life is a joke.'

Good news - we've found your car.

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.