Sardonic Comedy Lover Gifts

'But don't you remember,this morning,telling me to have a nice day at the office,dear?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'My life is a joke.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."