Sardonic Comedy Fan Gifts

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"That's right. An increase in your title!"

Men working (part time).

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

'And who told you to give the Holy Shroud a good wash?'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

"It floated. I want my money back."

Man falls off perch

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Will hide my face with this sign for food. ?

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Yes Sir, I am at this very minute passing on your recommendations for staff wage cuts to the appropriate department'

'You needn't of bothered, it grows on trees up here.'

Cards Galore.

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

Coming Soon: Haunted Homes on 60-foot lots.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

'I'd like to apply for a job as a predatory lender.'

"Ah, sweatpants."

"Hold on a second there, Roger; Ken's raised some very good points."

Je-Hereford's Witnesses