Sardonic Humorist Gifts

'The day you were born was a medical error!'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

Targets

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

The End is Near - But then come the funny outtakes.

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

The Devil's Advocat

"Based on today's experience, how likely is it that you would recommend your arresting officer to friends and fellow villains?"

Self-serve island

"It's hard being a con man in this economy -- Nobody has any life savings to be cheated out of any more."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'...And then I was betrayed by my trust fund.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"Do you want a pinch of dinner."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Man Gives Death the Finger.

Clancy: Cutting Down

Have a nice day: "That's simply insulting."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

Will goldbrick for food. Will work for beer. ?

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Man falls off perch