Sardonic Satirist Gifts

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

It's an Impeachment Inquiry

"Free Wi-Fi"

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

T.S. Eliot calendar.

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'My life is a joke.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'