Sardonic Wit Gifts

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

'My life is a joke.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."