Sardonic Wit Appreciator Gifts

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'My life is a joke.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"Oh you know, insider trading and fudging the number before lunch and then some fraud in the afternoon. How was your day?"

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"I agree, Maria, it does seem like one big romantic TV Christmas movie. But, unfortunately, this is where I must kill you."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

'They gave you 6 months but as your personal physician I think you'd make a killing in the hospital betting pool if you placed a bet at 6 weeks.'

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'You're obese.'

"But attendance is up."

"What gives a miserable piece of lowlife trash the idea that no one likes him?"

'As long as they're being fished to extinction, we might as well be the ones to do it.'