Sardonic Wit Seeker Gifts

How to loose weight

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'My life is a joke.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)