Sardonic Seeker Of Truth Gifts

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Hearse on an emergency

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

"Free Wi-Fi"

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

It's an Impeachment Inquiry

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

"This can't be the road to Hell, it isn't paved!"

How to loose weight

On second thoughts, make that instant coffee.