Sardonic Traveler Gifts

'The airport security people who will be viewing you are in a soundproof booth...'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Oh sod it I'll walk."

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

Survivalist Training Camp.

Kurt Vonnegut.

How to loose weight

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

"I was almost like Robin Hood. I took from the rich, but then I kept it."

On second thoughts, make that instant coffee.

Next hero

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."