Sardonic Story Lover Gifts

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'My life is a joke.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

You could have fooled me!

"Look Marj, decalf."

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'