Sardonic Storyteller Gifts

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

Kurt Vonnegut.

Special Place in Hell...

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Look Marj, decalf."

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"