Sardonic Storyteller T-Shirts

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

Special Place in Hell...

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."