Sardonic Storytellers Gifts

"I was almost like Robin Hood. I took from the rich, but then I kept it."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''