Sardonic Storytellers Gifts

"I was almost like Robin Hood. I took from the rich, but then I kept it."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"