Sardonic Music Lover Gifts

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

Hearse on an emergency

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"