Sardonic Soul Gifts

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

Time: 5:45pm Temp: 72' Life: Sucks

Hearse on an emergency

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Science shows cats love you!'

Careful - the coffee's room temperature.

The Devil's Advocat