Sardonic Sweetheart Gifts

"He's So Your Type."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Hearse on an emergency

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''