Sardonic Scooterist Gifts

'Gas prices starting to freak you out, Ed?'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Look Marj, decalf."

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'