Sardonic Scooterist Gifts

'Gas prices starting to freak you out, Ed?'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'