Sardonic Cyclist Gifts

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

Good news - we've found your car.

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Science shows cats love you!'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

Self-serve island

The Devil's Advocat

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"Oh sod it I'll walk."