Sardonic Fashionista Gifts

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'My life is a joke.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'