Sardonic Travelers Gifts

"Oh sod it I'll walk."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Science shows cats love you!'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

Man Gives Death the Finger.

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"