Sardonic Travelers Pillows

"Oh sod it I'll walk."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

Man Gives Death the Finger.

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"