Sardonic Seeker Pillows

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

Hearse on an emergency

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Oh sod it I'll walk."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

Welcome to hell. A lose-lose situation.

How to loose weight

On second thoughts, make that instant coffee.

Next hero

'You can pet me, but don't expect me to purr.'

Time: 5:45pm Temp: 72' Life: Sucks

'Apologies for the delay to the trains...we are busy counting our money.'

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

"Do you want to watch someone cook or someone decorate?"