Sardonic Humor Seeker Gifts

On second thoughts, make that instant coffee.

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'You can pet me, but don't expect me to purr.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Targets

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

Good news - we've found your car.

'My life is a joke.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."