Sardonic Sage Gifts

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

Careful - the coffee's room temperature.

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

Hearse on an emergency

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

Kurt Vonnegut.

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

Woman shooting at husband: "I missed you."

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'