Sardonic Spirit Gifts

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

Hearse on an emergency

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"

I'm sure if I moved to a fresh water environment, my hypertension would abate.

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

Woman shooting at husband: "I missed you."

"When is this sexual fantasy going to get interesting, Brad?"

"I was almost like Robin Hood. I took from the rich, but then I kept it."

Next hero

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."