Sardonic Spirits Enthusiast Gifts

'I hope you realise that's cooking sherry.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

Man falls off perch

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

T.S. Eliot calendar.

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)