Sardonic Scientist Gifts

'Science shows cats love you!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Occasionally he allows staff to voice their grievances..."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

Man Gives Death the Finger.

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"Free Wi-Fi"

"When you die do you want to be cremated or buried?"