Sardonic Innovator Gifts

'I just invented the wheel and traffic congestion.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

Man Gives Death the Finger.