Sardonic Wit Seeker T-Shirts

How to loose weight

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'My life is a joke.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."