Sardonic Spectator Pillows

'Apologies for the delay to the trains...we are busy counting our money.'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

T.S. Eliot calendar.

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'My life is a joke.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"My psychiatrist advised me to pay taxes quarterly. That way my seething resentment is spread evenly over a year."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'You're obese.'

'Science shows cats love you!'

'As long as they're being fished to extinction, we might as well be the ones to do it.'

"More champagne, please, sweetie. . . and thanks. . . !"

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

'There have been rumors they were cutting out a layer of management.'