Sarcastic Sparrer Pillows

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

Didn't we fire you last week?

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"I'm weaning Bob from the TV. That's a placebo remote."

'This wine is so good it makes even you interesting.'

"I know, same here. Angsting about the Zeitgeist like there is no tomorrow."