Sarcastic Sparrer Pillows

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"I'm at my wits end."

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

"I'm weaning Bob from the TV. That's a placebo remote."