Sarcastic Socializer Pillows

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"White Collar Prison"

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"Practicing my hate-face."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'