Sarcastic Socializer Gifts

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'This wine is so good it makes even you interesting.'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"White Collar Prison"

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"Practicing my hate-face."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"