Sarcastic Friends Gifts

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Food left unattended will be eaten by waiter.

"See that yard with the garden gnomes and the idiot waxing his Nissan Cube? That's your bathroom."

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"