Sarcastic Sympathizer Pillows

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

The transparent safe box of Panama

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"White Collar Prison"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

Didn't we fire you last week?

Know-it-alls

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"