Sarcastic Sympathizer Pillows

'Tell them we're temporarily out of deep concern. Will they settle for shallow compassion?'

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

The transparent safe box of Panama

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"White Collar Prison"

How About Serving Us For a Change

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Didn't we fire you last week?

Know-it-alls

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'