Sarcastic Friend Pillows

"Why have you got your boobs on your back?"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

Couldn't Care Less About Your Birthday Cards

"In my case what doesn't kill me makes me more cynical and bitter!"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"And we're still not getting any hot air."

"Listen Brian, it's just a 'Man cold'."

"You should have called me earlier."

"Oh no! A man with an axe being anti-social..."

Pessimists' club vending machine: Will wish you a rotten day, 50c.

Epitaph - 'Is that all you got?'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'So your memory is going... you forget everything... forget about it!'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

I'm OK/You're so-so.

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

Greeting cards and sending a snappy retort.

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

Did you ever have a bff, Sadie? Several. But not a single one of those ninnies held up their end of the deal. What do you mean? Did they betray you? Did they come to their senses and unfriend you? No. They died. All my bffs have died on me. So watch yourself or I'll bff you next. The term's not usually used as a threat.

Greeting Cards For A******s

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'