Sarcastic Pal Pillows

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"I'm weaning Bob from the TV. That's a placebo remote."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"I'm not whining."