Sarcastic Legal Friend Pillows

Judge to sleeping jury: 'We will now hear closing arguments in the case of Sleepytime Mattresses vs. Beddy-bye Bedding.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Bureau of the Damned

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Clive Anderson

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"I think I can get you off with a lighter sentence, but it might screw up your movie deal."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to five years, but you have been a beautiful defendant.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"See that yard with the garden gnomes and the idiot waxing his Nissan Cube? That's your bathroom."

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'The Not so Great Escape.'

"Of course I listen to you. How else would I be able to mock you?"

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"