Sarcastic Legal Friend Pillows

Judge to sleeping jury: 'We will now hear closing arguments in the case of Sleepytime Mattresses vs. Beddy-bye Bedding.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Bureau of the Damned

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Clive Anderson

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"I think I can get you off with a lighter sentence, but it might screw up your movie deal."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to five years, but you have been a beautiful defendant.'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"See that yard with the garden gnomes and the idiot waxing his Nissan Cube? That's your bathroom."

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

"At worst, You Honor, my client was an unwitting accomplice to the heinous crimes actually committed by this felonious knife."

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'The Not so Great Escape.'

"I'm suing my scales manufacturer for slander!"